PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 




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a 



J < 




SSSSSSSSSSSSS; 




PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

J5 CENTS EACH 

CKANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; 1^ hours 8 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.D. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 

CHEERFUL. COMPANION. 1 Act; 25 minutes 2 

LESSON IN ELEGANCE. 1 Act; £0 minutes 4 

MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1 14 hours 6 

MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 

ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; 1J4 hours 4 

SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 

OUTWITTED. lAct; 20 minutes 3 

WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 

SWEET FAMILY. 1 Act; 1 hour 8 

BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. 1 Act; 2 hours 30 

PRINCESS KIKU. (25 cents) 13 

RAINBOW KIMONA. (35 cents.) 2 Acts; V& hours 9 

MERRY OLD MAIDS. (25 cents.) Motion Song 11 



PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

15 CENTS EACH 



APRIL FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes ... 

BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 

DARKEY WOOD DEALER. 1 Act; 20 minutes 

WANTED, A MAHATMA. 1 Act; 30 mi tes 

HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes 

MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 

MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 

NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes 

SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 

SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 

PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 

HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 

CASE OF HERR BAR ROOM SKI. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 
DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial. 

GREAT LIBEL CASE. Mock Trial; 1 Scene; 2 hours 

RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; V/ 2 hours 



LDICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N 




FRESH FUN 



& jf&onolog 



BY 

A FUNNY FELLOW 



Copyright, 191 1, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



4 <$ 



TMP92-009292 

(§ 61. D 23940 



FRESH FUN. 



Ladies and Gentlemen, I thank you for that round of 
applause you just gave me. No, you did not applaud? 
Well, I hope you will, else I'll lose my job. I have been 
out of work for a long time and some one said to me, " It's 
strange a strong man like you cannot get work." The 
bother was, people wanted references from my last em- 
ployer, and he's been dead twenty years. 

I saw George this morning and I said to him, " Where 
are you going?" He answered, "I am not going any- 
where, I've been where I was going." George is a good 
fellow. The other day he had a fine new umbrella and 
when I called his attention to it he said, "Yes, 'twas a 
present." " Indeed," says I, " who gave it to you ? " " No- 
body gave it to me, but it has an inscription — Presented 
to John Roman — whoever he may be." By the way, I 
understand they are making all umbrellas square now be- 
cause, you know, it isn't safe to have them round. 

Well, when I was walking down the road the other day, 
I saw a crowd of boys surrounding a dog. " What are you 
doing with the dog?" I asked. " Whoever tells the big- 
gest lie is to have the dog," replied the boys. Now I am 
not scrupulous, but I felt I ought to do a little lecturing, 
so I said, " Why, I'm surprised ; when I was a boy I never 
told a lie." A silence fell upon the boys, then one said, 
" Give him the dog." 

3 



4 Fresh Fun. 

Someone asked me how old I am, I answered, " I have 
seen sixteen summers ; " then they wanted to know how 
long I had been blind. Getting married is a great thing — 
having a nice little wife — before marriage she sits up with 
you, after marriage she sits up for you. Marry in haste, 
you will repent at leisure ; that's all rot, married men don't 
have any leisure. The wife of a friend of mine went away 
last week, I asked him did he miss his wife, he said " Yes, 
my aim is not as good as it used to be." I told that to my 
father-in-law one night as I was starting down the street, 
father-in-law following. It was so dark I couldn't see two 
feet ahead of me, I knew there was one foot behind because 
I could locate it every once in a while. I was feeling 
very conscience-stricken — that's where the women have the 
advantage — they never feel conscience-stricken till their 
figure and complexion go. 

Walking down the street the other day I saw a little 
boy crying, I asked him what he was crying about; I was 
made to understand between his blubbers it was because 
his father had mashed his finger. " Well," I said consol- 
ingly, " Your father is the one hurt, don't cry, my boy," he 
blubbered " I didn't, I laughed." 

They employed me some time back as an advertising 
manager in one of the large clothing establishments; one 
morning the proprietor called me up and asked me what I 
meant by the advertisement that had just appeared. I 
said the proof read correctly " A thousand patrons wear 
our pants." This morning the advertisement read Matrons 
instead of Patrons — I was discharged. 

George and I went to hear that new pianist. He played 
one of those five act pieces and we were both tired out, 
though neither of us wished to show it. At last when the 
pianist was in one of the most difficult parts I said to 
George, " What do you think of his execution ? " He an- 
swered quickly " I favor it." 

The other day a little girl asked me to give her an 
orange, I said, " All right, here it is ; " she said, * How 
simple ! A gentleman who was a lawyer gave me one yes- 
terday, and with it the following — I hereby give, grant 



Fresh Fun. 5 

and convey to you all my interest, right, title and advan- 
tage to and in said orange, together with the rind, skin, 
juice, pulp, pits and all rights and advantages therein, 
with the full power to bite, suck or otherwise eat same, or 
give away with or without the rind, skin, juice, pulp or 
pits, anything hereinbefore, or in any other deed or deeds, 
instruments of any nature or kind whatsoever, to the con- 
trary in anywise notwithstanding. 

Last week as I was going down the street I dropped into 
an auction-room where two men were actively bidding for 
a tiger. At length the animal was knocked down to the 
highest bidder. The unsuccessful man walked around to 
the buyer and said " Are you in the menagerie business ? " 
"No." "Are you in the show business?" "No." "Of 
course, it is none of my business, but I really would like 
to know why you paid such a high price for that tiger." 
" Well," said the successful bidder, " I do not mind telling 
you; I live out on the Western frontier, it is lonely out 
there, and my wife died last week." 

Going out I met a friend who said he had been down to 
Cooney where he took a dip. I said, " How did you find 
the water ? " He said, " Easy enough, it was all around 
the Island." 

A little further down the street I saw an automobile 
knock a man senseless; he was taken to a nearby hospital. 
As they got him on the operating table he regained con- 
sciousness, and the doctor wanting him to turn over asked 
him if he could lie on the other side, he said, " Of course 
I can, I'm a lawyer." 

Just then I met Milly who was delighted that she was 
going to continue her architectural studies abroad. I said, 
" Yes, when you get to London you will see St. Paul's and 
Westminster Abbey." She said, "I don't care so much 
about them, what I want to see is the Church of England." 

I heard of a newly married couple who were riding along 
on their honeymoon and going by a beautiful orchard 
where the gentle wind was swaying the branches. The 
bride, who was of a romantic disposition, thus expressed 
herself, " Oh, John, look at those lovely trees, they seem 



6 Fresh Fun. 

to be moaning and sighing and sighing and moaning." 
John being more matter of fact, answered, " Well, if you 
were as full of green apples as they are, you would be 
sighing and moaning too." 

I saw Pat the other day and he told me he had had the 
Grippe. He thought it was the worst disease anyone could 
have, because you were sick for two weeks after you got 
well. 

Well, I must be going home to my wife, by the way, 
she baked an angel cake for the first time a few days ago 
and it was going to be tried on me. She came to me cry- 
ing, " Oh hubby, that cat has eaten up all the angel cake 
I baked for you." I said, " Never mind, darling, I will 
get you another cat to-morrow." 



Monologues 



MAN PROPOSES, BUT WOMAN DISPOSES. 15 cent* 

A sprightly and emotional Monologue by Lawrence D. Fogg, in which a young lady, 
•n her birthday ,_ endeavors by the guidance of letters and gifts from her numerous 
admirers, to decide on one of them for a husband. Her criticisms are witty and 
amusing, but she fails to make any selection. Why ? — Because. 

CONFESSIONS OF A MALE FLIRT. 15 cents a monologue, 

by Lawrence D. Fogg, in which a bachelor, on the eve of his wedding, while burn- 
ing his love correspondence, recalls to mind some of the girls with whom he has been 
in love, with his hopes, his successes, and his disappointments. A strange medley of 
humor and heart-burnings, ending with a pathetic climax. Note — At the end, while 
the performer's head is buried in his hands, a procession may pass slowly by, repre- 
senting the girls he has been describing; similar in effect to the scenes in the 
•* Reveries of a Bachelor." 

SHOW AT WILKIN'S HALL, 1 he. 15 cents. A comedy costume 
monologue for a lady t or gentleman hi female costume, by Bertha M. Wilson. A 
** Take-Off n on Delsarteans in 2 scenes ; the second can be given without the first, 
being complete in itself. A sure hit. 

WAKE AT O'GRADY'S, The, I 5 cents. By W.lliam Sidney 
HlLLYER. A monologue for an Irish character comedian. Runs 15 minutes. Besides 
the** wake," Mr. Ditgan tells all about the christening at McGuire's. Especially 
recommended. 

CRUSHED TRAGEDIAN, A. 15. cents. By William Sidney 
Hillyer. A character monologue for male comedian. Depicts the reminiscences 
and tribulations of "the palmy days 1 ' by one of "the old school." Runs about 15 
minutes. Especially recommended. 



Vaudeville Sketches 

BERNSTEIN AND FIRESTEIN. IS cents. A vaudeville sketch 
ki Hebrew dialect for 2 male charact*-.s, by James F. Parsons. Time, about 15 
minutes. Exceedingly funny both in ludicrous topics, Sheeney hits and dtoll repartee { 
concluding with the song "Oh, My I Von't We Make der Money t" for which the 
text and music are given. 

TWO "WANDERING JEWS. IS cents. A vaudeville sketch in 
Hebrew dialect, for 2 male characters, by Harry E. Shelland % Time, about 15 min- 
utes. Full of funny and catchy dialogue ..nd -epartee, and ending with a song. 

NEW CHAUFFEUR, The. IS cents. A vaudeville automobile skit, 
for a male characters, by Harry E. Shelland. Time, about 15 minutes. A Dutch 
brewer hires an ignorant Irishman for chauffeur. A terrible catastrophe and a racy 
dialogue in which Pat gets the better of the Dutchman. Just too funny and leading 
Up to dialect minstrelsy. 

MULDOON AND THE NIGGER j or, White and Black, is 

Cents. A dialect vaudeville Sketch for two males, by H. E. Shelland. Muldoon, 
an Irish stage-manager, meets very suddenly Johnson, a darkey, whom he wished to 
engage as an actor in a Mephistopheles drama. After a lot of funny characteristic 
talk, they rehearse Johnson's part. After some ridiculous attempts at highfalutin 
tragedy, partly in very blank verse, Johnson collapses. They close with a song. 

MA'S NEW BOARDERS. 15 cents. A farcical sketch in 1 act, by 
W. C. Parker. 4 male, 4 female characters. Mrs. Holdtight leaves her boarding- 
house in her daughter's charge. Prof. Alto-Gether calls a rehearsal of the village 
choir, but gives them the wrong address. The choir turn up at Mrs. H. s and are 
mistaken for new boarders. Then follows an uproarious series of incidents that end in 
the Professor s round-up. Can be played "straight," or with specialties. Excellent 
for single or double quartette. No scenery required. Time, an minute*. 



One Act Farces 



TANGLES. 15 Cents. A farce in i act, by C. Leona Dalkvmple. 
4 male, 2 female characters. 1 interior scene. Bill Tracy accepts Mrs. Jane way s 
invitation to dinner, intended for his cousin Phil. Tracy, who is Jack Janeway's 
chum. Elsie, her maid, advertised for a husband under the soubriquet of " Bright 
Eyes." Jenkins, Bill's valet, answers it as X. Y. Z. The mistakes in identity get 
them into a tangle of surprises, finally unraveled by Jack, who arrives opportunely. 
The " situations ' are tremendously funny and keep the audience in roars of laughter. 

NIGHT IN TAPPAN, A. IS cents. A farce comedy in 1 act and 
1 scene, by O. B. Dubois. 2 male, 3 female characters. Modern costumes. Dining- 
room scene in suburban residence. Time, about 30 minutes. The action commences 
at 10.45 p. M. on the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. John Belts, quite unexpectedly at the 
home of Mr. Augustus Belts, while Mrs. Augustus is awaiting her husband's return 
from the city. The complications caused by a saucy, blundering Irish servant, Mr. 
Augustus being entirely ignorant of the new arrivals, are screamingly bewildering. 

KISSING THE WRONG GIRL. IS cents. A farcical sketch in 
1 act, by W. C. Parker, i male, 2 female characters. It is the case of a " cheeky" 
book-agent, two sisters who look much alike, all sorts of funny mistakes, and any 
number of ridiculous situations that will keep the audience in a continuous roar of 
laughter. The piece can be played either *' straight " or with specialties. No scenery 
needed. 

LITTLE RED MARE, The. 15 cents. A farce in i act, by O. E. 

Young. 3 male characters, 1 interior scene. Time, about 35 minutes. The little red 
mare and a very deaf farmer's red-headed daughter are both named Nellie. A dude 
is after the daughter, and a horse-dealer wants the mare. The farmer mistakes the 
one for the other, and the way he gets the two claimants muddled in his criss-cross 
description of the two Nellies keeps the audience in a roar from the word " go." By 
a startling incident the farmer is suddenly cured of his deafness, and what he hears 
aids in clearing up the muddle. 

NEW REPORTER, The. IS cents. A farce in 1 act and 1 interior 
scene, by Franklin Johnston. 6 male, 2 female characters. Time, 45 minutes. 
Hobbs, the proprietor of a newspaper, is expecting a new reporter whom he has 
engaged on trial. Nancy, Hobbs's daughter, persuades her lover, Jack, who is 
mnknown to her father, to personify the new reporter, and gets to work. The 
blunders he makes, and the arrival of Tupper, the real reporter, results in a general 
flare up, until explanations are made, and Tupper is persuaded by Nancy to retire in 
favor of Jack. 

BYRD AND HURD; or, A Fair Exchange, is cents. A 

farcical sketch in 1 act, by Harold Sander. 6 male characters. 1 exterior and 1 in- 
terior scene. Time, about 40 minutes. For seven years a lawsuit has been pending 
between Byrd and Hurd for possession of a pond situated between their contiguous 
farms. They are both arrested in Boston. Byrd has a lunch served, but has no 
tobacco ; Hurd has, and is hungry. After bitter altercations, Byrd divides his lunch ; 
Hurd his tobacco. The exchange leads to reconciliation and personal settlement ot 
the lawsuit, to the disgust of Sly, the lawyer. The scenes are quite simple and the 
"situations" extremely comic. 

FINNEGAN AND FLANAGAN. 15 cents. A farcical sketch in 
1 act, by W, C, Parker, i male, 1 female character. Time of playing 25 minutes. 
Finnegan has a smile as broad as the Lakes of Killarney, and Mrs. Flanagan has 
*' the force as well as the fancy. 1 ' His quiet utterances and her awkward mannerisms 
are droll in the extreme. The "business" is excruciatingly comic, and the lucky 
liquidation of an unpaid board bill concludes one of the funniest of Irish farces. 
Specialties can be introduced, or the piece may be played " straight." No scenery is 
required. 

FUN IN A SCHOOL ROOM. IS cents. A farcical sketch m 1 
act and 1 interior scene, by Harry E. Shelland. 4 male characters, a Dutch- dialect 
teacher, and 3 pupils consisting of a young Bowery tough, a Hebrew boy, and a rather 
good little boy. Time, about 40 minutes. The questions and answers given in their 
respective personalities are »utrageously funny, including an entirely new version of 
the discovery of America, The sketch throughout ia incredibly absurd, 



One 



c°Py del. to Cat. Div. 



APP (0 K , 




^SSSSSSSSSS&^'^^^SSSSSSS^vv-s.N n^-. 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. P. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4Acts;2hours 10 4 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSONVILLE. 4 Acts; 2# hours.. 10 4 

CAPTAJ X DICK. 3 Acts; \\i hours 9 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4Acts;2hours 9 3 

LITTL K S AVAG E . 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 




RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2J4 hours 9 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 8 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2J^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2% hours 5 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; lhour... 6 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUIETING PARTY. 1 Scene B 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; 1% hours 19 15 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; V/ A hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1^ hours 1 13 

OYER THE GARDEN WALL. (15 cents) 11 8 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. 



>ss$$$$sssss$?ssssssssss§$$sss$s§^^^^$s«$$$$s^ 






COMEDIES AND 

25 CENTS Ei 



APR 13 19ft 

L I 5 RftRY 0F INGRESS 




BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4 Acts; 2 hours. 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2% hours 11 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 9 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 8 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 

E ASTSIDE I?S, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2}/ 2 hours 5 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2>£ hours 5 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; 1J^ hours 4 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 6 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2% hours 9 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 13 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Acts;2hours 5 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2^ hours 6 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2% hours 5 

WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2% hours 7 

WHITE LIE. 4Acts; 2% hours 4 



WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hours 8 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2J4 hours 11 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2\& hours .... 5 
STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 
CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^4 hours 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 





